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The Sheep Detectives

10/05/26

Cineworld, Edinburgh

Writer Craig Mazan has had a somewhat checkered career on the big screen. Early projects like Scary Movie 4 and The Hangover 3 came and went without much fuss – and yet, for television, he scripted both the extraordinary Chernobyl and The Last of Us to well-deserved acclaim. What then are we to make of his long-nurtured adaptation of Leonie Swann’s novel, Three Bags Full, which plays like a cross between Babe and Murder Most Foul?

The Sheep Detectives is the story of a shepherd called George (Hugh Jackman, sporting a winning smile and an accent that seems to vary alarmingly from scene to scene). George is the proverbial good shepherd, a man who only farms sheep for their wool and wouldn’t dream of worrying his flock by waving pots of mint sauce at them. He even has a long-established routine of reading them murder mysteries every night to ‘help them sleep.’ As you do.

He’s blissfully unaware that they understand every word he’s saying…

One morning, George’s dead body is discovered in the field and his flock, led by Lily (voiced by Julia Louis-Dreyfus), decide that the crime deserves a deeper level of investigation than can be expected from the local village’s solitary policeman. He’s the nice but ineffectual Tim (Nicholas Braun, making a better fist of an English accent than Jackman). Lily teams up with loner ram, Sebastian (Bryan Cranston), to look deeper into the long list of suspects. These include George’s estranged daughter, Rebecca (Molly Gordon), local innkeeper, Beth (Hong Chau), and fellow shepherd, Caleb (Tosin Cole), a man who is much happier to exploit the potential of turning sheep into cold cuts. And what about wannabe newspaper reporter, Elliot (Nicholas Galitzine)? Why is he taking such an interest in the case?

Initially, I’m somewhat underwhelmed by the WTF concept and have to confess that I do find some of the story’s more saccharin moments hard to endure. But as the film progresses, I’m increasingly drawn into the story, preposterous though it is. Director Kyle Balda has a background in animation and it must be said that the many sheep characters that populate the story all have their own distinct personalities. At no point am I ever confused by who is ewe (sorry) and that’s no easy matter when there are sometimes scores of the creatures onscreen. It’s also fair to say that the script is occasionally amusing – and sometimes surprising. A sequence where Lily and Mopple (Chris O’Dowd) have an unpleasant encounter with the sheep on Caleb’s farm turns quite dark.

But whether or not you’ll enjoy this hokum really does depend on you buying its central premise – that sheep aren’t as stupid as their reputation suggests. Ultimately, perhaps the biggest mystery here is how so many A list actors signed on the dotted line for the project. Patrick Stewart plays an elderly ram called Sir Richfield – doing an uncanny impersonation of his old pal Ian McKellan into the bargain – and even Emma Thompson shows up in a cameo role as George’s acerbic solicitor, Lydia Harbottle.

Judging by the sizeable crowd at the daytime screening I attend, The Sheep Detectives is likely to make a splash at the box office with flocks of youngsters keen to see it. But several older viewers make for the exit fifteen minutes in muttering, “Baaaa humbug!” and I can fully appreciate their position. This really is that fabled film that’s “not for everyone.”

3. 2 stars

Philip Caveney

Rose of Nevada

25/04/26

Cameo Cinema, Edinburgh

Cornish filmmaker Mark Jenkin may just be the most single-minded director currently working. Shooting his movies on wind-up 16mm Bolex cameras; adding all the dialogue and sound effects in post-production; writing the script; even composing the ethereal scores – it’s no surprise he’s so far produced only three full-length films. His debut, Bait (2019), was shot in black and white, but he switched to colour for Enys Men (2022), a weird folk-horror film that looked astonishing, even if it felt a little thin on story.

But with Rose of Nevada, everything finally falls into place, making this – for my money – his best offering yet. It looks extraordinary with the heightened colours of a vintage Super 8, while the intriguing time-slip storyline has me thinking about it long after I’ve left the cinema. It’s haunting in the best sense of the word.

Set in a run down, impoverished fishing village somewere in Cornwall, the story begins with the mysterious reappearance of the titular boat moored in the harbour. It has somehow returned after an absence of thirty years, apparently still in full working order. The boat was lost at sea along with its crew of three, an event that affected the entire community, but owner Mike (Edward Rowe) doesn’t hesitate to send it out again, after getting permission from Tina (Rosalind Eleazar), the widow of one of the lost men. But who will make up the crew?

Everything falls eerily into place. The Captain’s slot is filled in minutes when the mysterious ‘Murgey’ (Francis McGee) turns up asking if his services will be needed. Homeless drifter Liam (Callum Turner) is glad of anything that will earn him a few quid and keep him occupied for a while. And married man, Nick (George MacKay), needs to raise some cash in order to fix a hole in the roof of his house through which the rain is pouring, though he’s reluctant to leave his wife and little girl behind.

Out on the sea, the fishing is good – almost too good – and after hours of back-breaking toil, the crew return to the harbour to find the entire village waiting to greet them. And then it begins to dawn on them that an awful lot has changed since they were last on land…

I don’t want to reveal any more about the plot, though you’ll find plenty of other reviews that do exactly that. Suffice to say that, at its core, Rose of Nevada is all about the fishing industry, the devastating effect that Brexit has had upon it and the sense of community that somehow got lost in the process. It’s clearly a cause close to Jenkin’s heart as Bait covered similar territory – but here it’s all too easy to identify with Nick’s sense of mounting bewilderment, his doomed attempts to get back to the people he loves. To balance this, it’s understandable that Liam accepts his new role with such open enthusiasm, because it’s so much more agreeable than what he had before.

It’s these elements that could help this film achieve a much wider audience than its predecessors.

Yet, for all its appeal, the director’s unique style remains uncompromised. You can take any image and know instantly who has created it. But somehow Rose of Nevada is more than just another art project. It’s a genuinely compelling story with a powerful supernatural twist that, given half a chance, will surely get its hooks into you.

4.8 stars

Philip Caveney

Lee Cronin’s The Mummy

22/04/26

Cineworld, Edinburgh

“Lee Cronin? Who’s that?” I hear some of you ask. And it’s a fair question. The Irish director only has a few screen credits thus far, most recently a fairly decent reboot of the Evil Dead franchise. But, with a bigger, glossier, Brendan Fraser-led Mummy 4 on the cinematic horizon, his producers were clearly worried that there might be some confusion if the director’s name weren’t attached. And, before you argue that it’s pretty unlikely anybody would confuse the two projects, allow me to mention that I was recently at a screening of Riz Ahmed’s Hamlet, where several members of the audience stood up about ten minutes in and announced (loudly and indignantly) that they thought they’d booked to see Chloé Zhao’s Hamnet.

Go figure.

This version of the story is quite unlike any that’s gone before. In Cairo, Katie Cannon (Natalie Grace), the youngest daughter of news reporter Charlie (Jack Raynor) and his wife, Larissa (Laia Costa), is abducted by a mysterious woman, shortly before the family is due to move back to America for Charlie’s work. We know the kidnapping has something to do with Egyptian mythology, thanks to a short and fairly bloody opening sequence that’s not fully explained until later on. (Be warned: the film has an 18 certificate and is happy to flaunt it.) Meanwhile, Detective Dalia Zaki (May Calamawy) is determined to discover who kidnapped Katie and why.

Six years later, Katie is found wrapped up in bandages and lying in an ancient sarcophagus, which has been recovered from a plane crash in the desert. She’s somehow still alive but has changed dramatically both in looks and demeanour – and not for the better. Determined to do their best for her, Charlie and Larissa bring Katie home to Albuquerque to reunite her with her older brother and her new little sister. Yes, I know. Very bad idea, but then this is the kind of decision that parents always make in horror movies.

Katie is uncommunicative and has a nasty habit of getting out of her room at night to creep through the house, catching and eating insects – and it soon becomes clear that she has big plans for her family…

It’s pointless to say any more about the plot other than to mention that, if this film resembles any other horror franchise, it’s The Exorcist. Katie is to all intents and purposes possessed by an ancient demon and herdevout Catholic granny, Carmen (Veronica Falcón), is on hand to seize every opportunity to pray for her deliverance, usually with catastrophic results. While on the one hand, I do applaud Cronin’s attempts to steer the franchise away from its familiar roots – an approach he took with Evil Dead Rise – I have to say that transplanting it to the well-trodden territory of another cinematic classic may not have been the wisest move. Furthermore, though the film starts confidently enough, it becomes increasingly unpleasant, yet somehow never manages to be convincingly scary.

There’s a nail-cutting sequence that will definitely have you wincing and there’s enough blood, vomit and pus flying about the screen to put you right off your cinema snacks – but grossness isn’t the same thing as terror. I also worry that some of the scenes featuring Egyptian characters venture dangerously close to ‘othering’ territory.

Most damning of all, there are moments in the endlessly protracted climax that come across as downright laughable, as though Cronin is determined to gross out anyone who is still watching. Opinions are going to be divided. Those who judge a horror film on the amounts of type O that are spilled may be more supportive than me, but for my money this is a valiant effort that ultimately doesn’t come off. A shame. It remains to be seen if the upcoming Mummy 4 is worth the price of admittance, but I can’t help feeling that maybe it’s time somebody uttered those famous words.

‘It’s a wrap.’

3 stars

Philip Caveney

A Grain of Sand

12/03/26

Traverse Theatre, Edinburgh

A Grain of Sand is a moving narrative, drawn from the observations of children caught up in the conflict in Gaza. Commissioned by the London Palestine Film Festival, the piece is based around A Million Kites, a collection of poems and testimonies, complied by Leila Boukarim and Asaf Luzon. Adapted and directed by Elias Matar, the monologue is performed by actor Sarah Agha.

Agha is Maryam, playing in a circle of sand, an 11-year-old girl living happy and oblivious with her family on the Gaza Strip, until her home is suddenly torn apart by bombing. Maryam has always dreamed of being a storyteller and now, separated from those she loves, she finds herself wandering alone through the devastation, sharing her observations. Other children’s real-life testimonies are interwoven with Maryam’s memories of her life at home and the stories told to her by her beloved grandmother. This approach allows occasional moments of humour to illuminate a grim, distressing narrative.

Agha is a compelling performer and Natalie Pryce’s stark set design offers disturbing glimpses of the turmoil, projected onto a crumpled fabric backdrop. Nick Powell’s soundscapes intensify the terror of the situation. It’s sometimes hard to comprehend the scale of what’s happening in Gaza, but a final image puts everything into shocking perspective – the ranks of children’s names, together with their respective ages, spreading across the backdrop, illuminating the magnitude of the war.

It makes for uncomfortable viewing but I cannot look away.

4 stars

Philip Caveney

Romeo and Juliet

12/02/26

Pleasance Theatre, Edinburgh

EUSC’s Romeo and Juliet sets out to perform the ‘world’s greatest love story’ without resorting to any of the tricks and gimmicks we’ve lately come to expect from such productions. You know the kind of thing. R&J, only it’s set in 1960’s Bradford – or R&J, as envisioned by Sergio Leone – on a trampoline. No, here it’s played completely straight and what’s more, we get the full text, which clocks in at over three hours in duration. There are twenty performers all giving it their best and there’s no faulting the lofty ambition that powers this production.

Of course, there’s also no disguising the fact that of the immortal bard’s many works, this one features one of his battiest ever plots. Welcome to Verona, where two rival families, the Montagues and the Capulets are gleefully slicing chunks off each other at every opportunity. Romeo (Sam Gearing), the son of Montague (Hal Hobson), wanders moodily through the carnage, observing the action but doing very little to help. He’s currently madly in love with Rosaline (Connie Bailie) who – rather awkwardly – is a Capulet, and therefore out of bounds. But after briefly bumping into Juliet (Anya McChristie) at a masked ball, he’s doesn’t hesitate to switch his affections to her instead… but naturally, she’s a Capulet too. Doh!

But why am I telling you all this? Everybody knows the story of the star-crossed lovers and most of us are familiar with the major players in the story. Director Salvador Kent handles all the characters with aplomb, but sometimes Ella Catherall’s sound design swamps important lines of dialogue – and while Jack Read’s lighting is often striking and atmospheric, too often the faces of actors are lost in the gloom as they recite their soliloquies..

I like the fact that the simple but striking set centres on that all-important balcony and I enjoy McChristie’s effusive and optimistic Juliet, who strides fearlessly into each successive plot twist. Rufus Goodman’s Benvolio meets every complication with a weary shrug and Noah Sarvesaran’s super-charged Mercutio is a particular delight, as he leaps and whirls around the stage as though defying gravity itself. (His death at the beginning of the second act makes me wish he could have hung on a bit longer). Hunter King has the necessary gravitas as Friar Laurence to deliver one of history’s most unbelievable plot devices with absolute authority. ‘Just drink this serum that will make you appear to be dead for two and forty hours and all will be well.’ What could possibly go wrong?

The swordplay scenes are a step up from the usual student productions thanks to the fight direction of Rebecca Mahar and Cooper Mortlock – but I’m rather less convinced by a decision to dress both Montague (Hal Hobson) and Capulet (Tai Remus-Elliot) in the same Chaplinesque costumes, their faces smeared with makeup. Is this to suggest that their characters are essentially interchangeable? I’m not entirely sure.

But overall, this is an admirable production that has much to commend it and the story (silly plot twists notwithstanding) is delivered in epic style.

4 stars

Philip Caveney

Lord of the Flies

09/02/26

BBC iPlayer

We rarely review TV shows, but Marc Munden’s four-part series (adapted by Jack Thorne from William Golding’s 1954 novel) is undoubtedly cinematic in scope and, since we binge-watch the entire thing in one day, it seems like a no-brainer to register our reaction. The fact that I’ve been obsessed with the story since childhood is another powerful contributor to the ”yes, we should’ imperative.

I read the source novel in the early sixties when I was sequestered in a boarding school in Peterborough, a setting that felt to me every bit as savage as the one I was reading about. Add to the equation that twice a year I was being flown out to visit my parents in Malaysia (my Dad was in the RAF), and it’s hardly surprising that the idea of a passenger plane crashing and leaving me stranded on a remote island seemed entirely within the realms of possibility.

Of course, Lord of the Flies has been previously adapted, most notably by Peter Brooks in 1963, a stripped-back monochrome version of the story that blew me away on first viewing, and which still remains (in my humble opinion) one of the finest literary adaptations in cinema history. I must also grudgingly mention Harry Hook’s lamentable attempt to update the premise in 1990, which got pretty much everything wrong – and featured a Piggy so obnoxious that I felt compelled to cheer when his skull was crushed by that great big rock. (Surely not the effect that Mr Hook was going for…)

But surely no piece of fiction is so sacred that a newcomer can’t be allowed to have a shot at an adaptation. A recent comment I saw online complaining that remakes are ‘never the same’ struck me as particularly odd. Isn’t that the point? If a director hasn’t got something different to say, then why bother?

Having said that, this new version does retain a lot from the novel. It’s set in the same era and uses plenty of lines of original dialogue. The episodes are each seen from the perspective of one of the key characters. Piggy (David McKenna) sports a Northern Irish accent and has a predilection for quoting Groucho Marx, which instantly endears him to me (another obsession I developed at boarding school was a love of The Marx Brothers). McKenna emphasises Piggy’s vulnerability and his desperation to avoid being bullied, as well as his evident intelligence. Ralph (Winston Sawyers) is instantly likeable and some nicely-integrated flashbacks in his episode reveal aspects of his earlier life that go some way to explain why he is so nurturing to others.

Simon (Ike Talbut), always the most elusive character in the novel, displays elements that help to explain his troubled relationship with Jack (Lox Pratt). And Jack’s innate fear of failure, his rampant desire to be the winner at any cost, is cleverly conveyed. In the story’s latter stages, his ruthless decisions appear to echo the kinds of tyranny we’ve recently seen deployed on the streets of Minneapolis. And Sam ‘n’ Eric (Noah and Cassius Flemyng) surely typify the self-preservationists, who reluctantly go along with heinous events in order to save their own skins.

But the element that really shines in this version of the tale are the depictions of its jungle settings (filmed principally in Malaysia), particularly the night scenes where the surrounding ferns and trees are rendered blood red and occasionally seem to verge on the psychedelic. Likewise, Jack’s ‘hunters’ sport ever more bizarre costumes and adornments, until they begin to resemble creatures from some kind of obscure mythology, looking as if they’ve escaped from the underworld.

Okay, so perhaps this isn’t the perfect adaptation that Brooks delivered all those years ago, but it nevertheless makes for compelling and rewarding viewing. It’s proof, if ever it were needed, that a great piece of literature can always be successfully reinterpreted for a new age.

4.6 stars

Philip Caveney

Don Quixote is a Very Big book

08/02/25

Traverse Theatre, Edinburgh

Don Quixote is a Very Big Book is not just a title – it’s also a fact, as anybody who has ever attempted to read their way through its 1000+ pages will surely attest. Dik Downey, the man behind Opposable Thumb Theatre, has read every single one of them. But, as he happily admits, the main reason he set out to dramatise what’s often hailed as ‘the world’s first novel’ is the fact that he purchased a really great suit of armour (unused!) from some guy on eBay and figured this would be the best use of it.

So here he is, on stage at The Traverse as part of the Manipulate Festival, gamely buckling on said armour (which looks like it weighs a ton) and proudly explaining how he will single-handedly perform the entire book, complete with a horse, a donkey, a faithful squire and a climactic battle with a great big flipping windmill. 

Downey is an affable narrator with a penchant for making quirky puppets, which he utilises to help tell his stories. He openly admits to us that he’s knocking on a bit now and is worried that the piece might be too much for him, but he’s still game for an epic tale that won’t skimp on the details. And as the heavy armour goes on piece-by-piece, we begin to appreciate the tenacity of the man, and the way (rather like Quixote himself) Downey steadfastly refuses to accept that this epic undertaking might be beyond his abilities.

DQIAVBB delivers a charming and gently amusing hour upon the stage. Downey staggers back and forth, interacting with his appreciative crowd, choosing one of them to ‘Knight’ him. When he notices ‘Dulcinea’ siting in the front row, he performs a silly, ramshackle dance for her that soon starts to go wrong and has me laughing out loud. I also find myself admiring the ingenuity of the aforementioned puppets (‘it’s all done with magnets,’ Downey informs us at one point) and there’s a significant moment in the proceedings where Quixote struggles to get back to his feet for a very VERY long time, and I find myself wondering if I should run down the steps to the stage and lend him a hand. Which I suspect may be the point.

While this is an enjoyable and lighthearted performance – I laugh pretty much from start to finish – it’s also tinged with sadness at the iniquities of old age. And if you think that you need a massive special effects budget to depict a mounted knight doing battle with a windmill, think again. It’s amazing what you can do with papier maché and sticky-back plastic. 

Oh, and by the way, back in the day, I did try to read Don Quixote and gave up after a few chapters. This piece is (happily) much more accessible.

4 stars

Philip Caveney

Is This Thing On?

31/01/26

Cineworld, Edinburgh

A man walks into a bar…

Except, it’s not just a bar, it’s a comedy club – and there’s a $15 entrance fee.

Unless you’re there to perform.

It’s been a long and messy night, and Alex Novak (Will Arnett) doesn’t have $15 to hand. But, high on alcohol and edibles, he’s sure his gift of the gab will be enough to get him through a ten-minute open mic spot. Sure enough, although he doesn’t exactly crush it, he does earn a few laughs, and he finds the experience surprisingly therapeutic.

And therapy is just what Alex needs. Recently separated from his wife, Tess (Laura Dern), he’s struggling to cope with living alone in his apartment and being a part-time dad. What’s more, everyone seems convinced that he’s to blame for his marriage breaking down, which he doesn’t think is fair at all. He and Tess have simply grown apart; they’ve split by mutual consent. With friends and family making their disapproval known, the comedy circuit feels like a safe space for Alex to meet people and grapple with his new reality.

Is This Thing On?, directed by Bradley Cooper, is loosely based on the life of British comedian, John Bishop, although the only overt reference to the Merseyside comic is a single scene where Alex sports an incongruous Liverpool FC vest. In his mid-30s, Bishop tried his hand at stand-up while briefly separated from his wife, Melanie; by the time they reconciled, he’d caught the comedy bug and, within a few years, was pursuing a fruitful career as a full-time comic.

Ironically, Bishop’s real-life story is more interesting than the Hollywood version, which is resolutely low-key, and never actually shows us Novak performing a killer gig. In reality, Bishop is hugely successful: he’s a household name in the UK, and his arena tours always sell out. Although Arnett and Dern both perform their roles with consummate skill, there never appears to be much at stake. It would help if we saw Novak’s sets improve, if we could catch a glimpse of the comedic skill that has propelled Bishop into the spotlight.

In addition, the script (co-written by Cooper, Arnett and Mark Chappell) doesn’t flesh out the characters enough: they don’t appear to have lives beyond the scenes we see. We’re told that Novak “works in finance” but we never see the impact of his late-night hobby on his day-job; in fact, he never refers to work at all. He’s a friendly, outgoing character: surely he’d have friends among his colleagues? And the juggling of a demanding job, fatherhood and an all-consuming new passion would make his struggle a lot more compelling.

All in all, this is an enjoyable movie, but not an entirely satisfying one.

3.6 stars

Susan Singfield

Jay Kelly

17/01/01

Netflix

Our Netflix catch-up continues with this whimsical and charming film from Noah Baumbach, clearly influenced by Federico Fellini’s 8½. George Clooney stars as the titular Mr Kelly, a handsome and successful movie star, now forced to contemplate the highs and lows of his career and personal life – and the things he could perhaps have handled better. With his latest film wrapped, Jay has been looking forward to spending time with his daughter, Daisy (Grace Edwards), but she tells him she’s heading off to France with friends.

Then veteran film director, Peter Schneider (Jim Broadbent), the man who gave Jay his first break, unexpectedly dies. After the funeral, Jay bumps into an old college-mate, Timothy (Billy Crudup), and goes for a drink with him – where events take an unexpected turn.

Feeling the need to make himself scarce for a while, Jay instructs his long-suffering manager, Ron (Adam Sandler), to accept an offer on his behalf for a trip to Tuscany to attend a career-tribute award. This is awkward, because Jay has already told them that he’s not interested in attending the event and the trophy has been promised to Jay’s main rival, Ben Alcock (Patrick Wilson). But Ron has spent most of his life dealing with Jay’s unpredictable impulses and manages to persuade the organisers to forge a second statuette, to make it a joint celebration. Jay, Ron and publicist Liz (Laura Dern) set off for Italy, along with a whole entourage of followers.

On the journey, Jay has time to contemplate key events from his past – actually stepping through a series of doors, to revisit them as they happen. It soon becomes apparent that success as a film star comes at a high price. When everyone around you has a stake in your success – even the ever-faithful Ron is taking 15% of everything Jay earns – it’s hard to trust anyone.

And as the prize-giving ceremony looms ever closer, it begins to dawn on Jay that he is in danger of having nobody to share the moment with.

Clooney is the perfect choice for this role – there’s always been something distinctly old-fashioned about his rugged, matinee idol looks – and a final scene where he contemplates different versions of himself from his own stellar career is nicely handled. The film also features some lovely insider details: the shooting of a love scene with Charlie Rowe standing in as the younger JK, reveals how clinical an exercise it is and how the magic is created. Baumbach’s screenplay (co-written with Emily Mortimer) is witty and insightful, while Linus Sandgren’s gorgeous cinematography gives the film a dazzling, sun-drenched sheen.

Some reviewers have been dismissive of Jay Kelly, but Clooney inhabits the lead role with absolute authority. It’s hard to imagine who might have made a better fit. There have been rumours that this could be his final role as an actor (lately he’s been more interested in being on the other side of the camera). Should that prove to be the case, this would seem a fitting way to bow out.

4.2 stars

Philip Caveney

Anaconda

07/01/26

Cineworld, Edinburgh

Christmas 2025 was a pretty fertile period for the cinema, with opportunities to catch plenty of decent offerings and, provided you picked carefully, there was not a turkey in sight. The first days of the New Year were likewise blessed, but eventually a viewer’s luck runs out. I still believe that Anaconda has a decent premise at its heart but, for a whole variety of reasons, it fails to make for satisfying viewing.

Ron Griffin (Paul Rudd) and Doug McCallister (Jack Black) both feel they have made wrong career moves. Ron always felt he was destined to be a movie star but, apart from a few fleeting cameos in various TV shows, he’s failed to make the big time. Doug maintains he is working as a film director – if you count wedding videos as movies – but he also fondly remembers his teenage years, when he and Ron recorded their own no-budget horror movies, making their own props and using their friends as actors. At Doug’s birthday get-together, Ron casually announces that he has managed to obtain the rights to Anaconda – the 1997 movie that was their favourite watch on VHS.

One drunken conversation later, and Ron has managed to persuade his old flame, Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and his hapless pal, Kenny (Steve Zahn), to flex their credit cards and accompany him to Brazil to shoot a reboot. But can they possibly persuade Doug to drop everything and join them as the film’s director? Hey, do giant reptiles live in the jungle? Well, they do of course and, in a brief pre-credit sequence, we’ve already witnessed what happens to people who stand around under trees muttering questions like, ‘What was that noise?’

To be fair, the set-up is decently handled by director Tom Gormican, who co-wrote the script with Kevin Etten. But once in Brazil, he seems unsure which direction to take with the resulting story and throws in a whole bunch of distractions. There’s a young local woman, Ana (Daniela Melchior), who is being pursued by armed men, though for quite a while we’re not entirely sure what they’re after her for. And why she would undertake to pretend to be the captain of a ship and ferry the film crew upriver is anybody’s guess.

Then there’s local snake ‘expert’ Carlos (Selton Mello) who actually owns a decent-sized pet snake and has somehow been brought onto the team as reptile-wrangler – but we’re not troubled with the details of how this came to be.

And of course there’s the titular giant snake, glimpsed only fleetingly at first, but becoming less convincing every time we set eyes on him.

The end result is that the comedy isn’t quite as sharp as it needs to be, while the action sequences are ponderous and unconvincing. Most damning of all, the scenes that (I think) are designed to be scary, really don’t generate enough tension to make me suspend my disbelief. The plot thickens when it turns out that there’s another, bigger crew in the vicinity who really are shooting an Anaconda reboot. This gives Gormican the chance to include a couple of celebrity cameos from Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, who, veteran movie fans may remember, starred in the original.

Look, I don’t want to be mean about this, because clearly it was never intended to be anything but a silly bungle in the jungle and I guess, in the end, that’s exactly what you get. And let’s face it, the original film isn’t remembered as being a cinematic masterpiece either. But no matter how slight the central premise, a film needs to convince – and sadly this one fails on that score.

2.8 stars

Philip Caveney