19/06/24

Cineworld, Edinburgh

True confession. I’ve never watched a Bad Boys film. Until now.

And having watched one, I can never regain that feeling of being blissfully oblivious to the franchise. Here’s what happens: I find I have the opportunity to see a movie and the only one that starts at a convenient time is Bad Boys: Ride or Die. I know that the previous instalment, Bad Boys for Life, took a shitload of money at the box office, so I decide to book a ticket. After all, how bad can it be?

The answer to that is an unequivocal ‘very.’ It may have helped if I’d seen the previous instalment, but there’s not much I can do about that because nothing short of a hefty bribe will ever induce me to go back for a second helping of this nonsense. There is a plot and I will attempt to (briefly) explain it.

Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) gets married to Kelly (Vanessa Hudgens) and at the following knees-up, Mike’s sidekick, Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), suffers a near-fatal heart attack. He manages to shrug it off (virtually overnight) and seems reinvigorated by the experience, to the extent that he starts throwing himself headlong into every situation like a teenager on steroids.

Then there’s bad news. The BB’s previous boss, Captain Howard (Joe Pantoliano), who was shot dead in the last film, is being framed by ‘The Cartel.’ They are downloading millions of dollars into his bank account. (Full disclosure: I watch the film carefully but I honestly have no idea why they are doing this). Of course, Mike and Marcus love their ex-boss and so, when they receive videos featuring him – only to be watched in the event of his death – they vow to clear his name.

In this endeavour they are aided by Mike’s illegitimate son, Armando (Jacob Scipio), who was in jail but escapes after a helicopter crash. Armando is subsequently hunted by US Marshall Judy (Rhea Seehorn), who has sworn to kill him. (Again, I guess I needed to have seen For Ever to fully appreciate why. Or, I don’t know, maybe they could have put in a few flashbacks? Just saying.)

There ensues a series of shoot-outs in a variety of locations in Florida, where gangs of bad guys are punched, shot, stabbed or blown to smithereens but, since I don’t know anything about them, I don’t care – though I am strangely bewildered by their seeming ability to reproduce mid-action so that what seems like a handful at the start winds up as a veritable army. There’s also a climactic gun battle in an abandoned theme park (of course there is) that for no apparent reason features a gigantic albino alligator, who you just know is going to eat somebody.

Every so often, Mike and Marcus break off from killing people to have an improvised comedy conversation about life, or jelly beans, or… barbecues. I’m hoping it’s improvised because if screenwriters Chris Bremner and Will Beall actually scripted this, there’s little hope left for humanity. Smith keeps his performance relatively downbeat while Laurence acts like he’s still having that heart attack, gurning and dilating his eyes every time he speaks and, at one point, even shouting ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Motherfucker!’ which again, probably refers back to… something. I am somewhat saddened to see the excellent Seehorn (of Better Call Saul) reduced to running around in a bullet proof vest and looking angry, but at least she’s given more to do than the other female characters.

Directors Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah give cinematographer Robrecht Heyvaert every opportunity to employ a whole battery of arty styles to every action sequence, so that even in the simplest punch-up it’s impossible to tell who is hitting who and why. One extended sequence plays out like a video game, with the camera freewheeling around an interior like a super-charged pinball.

The credits finally roll and I let out a long sigh of relief. Then I scuttle out, just in case there’s a Bad Boys post-credit sequence. I’ve seen enough of this franchise to last me a lifetime.

2 stars

Philip Caveney